1/2/12 5:15 PM UPDATE: io9 has reposted ye olde Twilight snark. Check the comments for more hilarious suggestions, from Dr. Seuss to George R.R. Martin.
As I mentioned in an early post, the main problem with Twilight isn’t its sparkly vampires who lack all traditional weaknesses or its anti-feminist sensibility. When you get right down to it, the trouble is that the writing is terrible, filled with cliche phrases (“smoldering eyes”), repeated words (294 “eyes” in 498 pages) and the reductive characterization of its main characters (Bella is clumsy, and I guess she likes books. Or something).
On a recent car-trip with my husband and the writer Chip Cheek, we mulled over the question: What if great literary writers of the last 200 years had penned Twilight?
Herman Melville
“Call me Bella.” A tome about the length of the original series investigates Bella’s monomanical search for the vampire who stole her virginity. There’s an entire chapter devoted to describing the devastating whiteness of Edward’s skin, and several on the physiognomy of vampires, starting with their skeletal structure outward.
Virginia Woolf
The novel takes place over the course of twenty four hours, during which Bella is painting a portrait of Edward and reflecting on how her femininity circumscribes her role within 20th century society.
Cormac McCarthy
In the opening scene, Edward dashes Bella’s head against a rock and rapes her corpse. Then he and Jacob take off on an unexplained rampage through the West.
Jane Austen
Basically the same as the original, except that Bella is socially apt and incredibly witty. Her distrust of Edward is initially bourne out of a tragic misunderstanding of his character, but after a fling with Jacob during which he sexually assaults her (amusing to no one in this version) she and Edward live happily ever after.
George Saunders
Same as the original, but set in a theme park. Somehow involves gangs of robots, which distract the reader from the essential sappiness of Edward and Bella’s story.
Raymond Carver
Bella stars as the alcoholic barmaid with daddy issues that Edward, a classic abuser, exploits. When Bella’s old friend Jacob comes to visit and is shocked by her bruises, she thinks about leaving him, but instead hits the gin bottle. Hard.
Annie Proulx
Edward and Jacob defy society’s expectations up in the mountains.
Lewis Carroll
Bella takes acid and charts syllogisms.
James Joyce
Edward’s rapacious love for Bella reflects the way globalism has pillaged Ireland. It’s entirely written in Esperanto, with sections in untranslated Greek, except for Chapter 40, which is inexplicably rendered as a script page from the musical The Book of Mormon.
Dorothy Parker
Bella writes a brilliant takedown of the latest school play, dates a string of men, and repeatedly attempts suicide.
Kate Chopin
Stifled by her marriage to Edward, Bella has an affair with Jacob and then drowns herself.
Ernest Hemingway
Edward and Bella exchange terse dialogue alluding to Edward’s anatomical problem. Eventually, Bella leaves him for Jacob, a local bullfighter with a giant…sense of entitlement.
Flannery O’Connor
When Native American werewolf Jacob threatens her with death, Bella reconsiders her hardcore racism, and just for one milisecond, the audience finds her sympathetic.
Ayn Rand
Edward tells Bella that he intends to stop saving her life, unless she starts paying him in gold bullion. Hatefucking ensues, then Jacob spouts objectivist philosophy for the next 100 pages.
12/22/11 Update:
Novelist Urban Waite adds this one:
Tim O’Brien
It’s all about the memories these vampires have carried with them for the past couple hundred years. Just think how much that would have deepened their characters. “Bella looked into Edward’s smoldering eyes and knew all the pain he carried with him, the cross burned into the cleft of his muscular chest, 1 oz., the dash of his hair across his forehead, dangling ever-so, 5.oz, etc… etc… ”
Got more writers and renditions? Put ’em in the comments.
While I’m flattered that people are reblogging this post, I ask that you don’t reproduce it in its entirety on your own blog.
Judy Blume: same story, younger kids.
William Faulkner: Edward and Jacob are brothers from a different father that hate each other. They have to take their dead staked vampie mom’s remains back to her homeland. Carlisle is the lazy, inept dad who pretends to not be beholden to anyone, but actual rips everyone off. To get across the ocean, he steals from Jacob and his other half brother Emmett. Bella is not the love interest, but the vengeful middle sister who is trying to abort her child fathered by a lowly elf. While pretending to favor Edward, she betrays him and helps Jacob gets his revenge by turning over Edward to the Volturi. Edward shockingly laughs at this betrayal by his family. Jasper is the youngest son who is confused on his mother’s death and says, “My mother is a pirate.”
Orhan Pamuk:
While courting Bella, Edward finds himself attracted to and repelled by Jacob. After a while, he finds hair growing on parts of his usually hairless anatomy. Bella notices this … but finds it a turn-on. Jacob, meanwhile, is beginning to drool at the sight of Bella’s jugular vein, pulsing ominously. He scratches his chin, and his dimple takes an entire chapter to describe its reaction to the situation. Bella, for her part, has decided to defy her family’s prejudices and become a painter at the sultan’s court… and whose body IS that in the well? (It never tells us, though otherwise it won’t shut up.)
e e Cummings:
Bella)))*!
?—————-(edwardEdward)
BellaedwardEDWARD Bella
Bella
Bella
Bella
jacob
Bella(Edward)Jacob
J@COBEDW@RD**&^&*
BellaEdward***
Laurell K. Hamilton:
Edward and the other vampires sparkle, but not becasue of the sun…they’re nightclub owners and workers, strippers, comdedians, etc… Bella is a witty but angry necromancer and Jacob is still a warewolf but he hates what he is and tries to keep from changing. Bella is drawn to both men for different reasons, but after making a mystical tie to both men she must have sex with them constantly, inbetween slaying rogue vampires and assisting the PD with the preternatural arm of the PD, to stay alive.
D.H. Lawrence
Lady Bella is young and sexually stymied, possessing a proper woman’s arse and a pale, whiny husband with artistic pretensions – Edward – who refuses to put out. Their is a tragic age. They live in a snobbish, insular community in the Midlands with parasitic artsy types who throng around Edward, and hardy miners outside their estate. One day she meets the brawny, yet sensitive, Jacob, who introduces her to anal penetration and they engage in much tender-hearted fucking around the woods, decorate John Thomas and Lady Jane with flowers, and they agree that of course Celia shits (who doesn’t?).
Kerouac- Edward meets and becomes obsessed with the hyper-active yet charming Jacob and they both decide to travel to Mexico and meet up with all sorts of representations of famous vampires and werewolves from history. When they finally get to Mexico they go to a brothel only to find they are attracted to the same prostitute, Bella. This ends in a fight in which Edward is knocked unconscious and is left for dead by Jacob. This brings Bella and Edward together and in the span of 2-3 pages they marry and return to New York (or where ever Twilight is set…). Edward spends the rest of the novel reconciling Jacob’s nature in his mind. Oh, and it’s all pretty much true, except the names are all changed.
P.G. Wodehouse: Bella doesn’t want to marry anyone, and enlists the help of her wise-but-restrained father Charlie to get out of any romantic obligations that crop up. Much of the action takes place over a weekend at the Cullen manse, with Charlie posing as a gardener and Bella donning different etiquette-mandated clothing between each conversation scene. At several points, due to increasingly convoluted rationale, Jacob and Edward trade places. The climax takes place in the parlor and involves at least ten minor characters, including Bella’s high school teachers, a local priest, and one or two previously-unmentioned aunts.
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Bukowski version is spot on, hahaha!
Jerome K. Jerome: Bella, Jacob, and Edward would go on a canoe trip and bicker the whole time, only Bella is a boy, Edward is just not a morning person, and Jacob stays in wolf form.
William Faulkner: Bella was fascinated by Edward, though she knew he was overtly ambiguous, even as she anticipated his ambiguity, though he was silent about its implications, and even as she knew that his antebellum roots had destroyed all his feeling for the longing, longing, Southern experience and because she knew this, she clung to the hope that he would eventually return to her, love her, and bring her back to the strange but defining lust for life…and on and on.
JM Coetzee: An allegory for post-colonial Forks, the narrative focuses upon Bella’s obsession with her imminent death, and is printed on one half of each page. The complementary halves contain essays by Edward about his refusal to drink human blood. Jacob spends his days hauling the stiffened carcasses of the deer upon which the vampires feed to the incinerator.
Carson Mcullers: Bella is a 12 year old aspiring pianist who falls in love with a deaf/mute edward cullen. Dr. Jacob Black attempts to inspire the Werewolf race to rise against their vampire oppressors.
Richard Brautigan:
There is a vampire
in Washington.
Jon Krakauer: Bella and Edward are lovers, but Edward starts to question the meaning of his superficial life as an extremely rich son of a man who owns a bio company dealing with blood, and goes on a quest by foot to Italy. We follow him on his adventures through people’s interviews and clues he leaves behind. He winds up dead after trying to cross he sea in a raft he found on the beach, and Bella has since married a guy named Jacob.
Last known picture of him is glittering in the sunlight.
F. Scott Fitzgerald:
Bella and Edward are a wealthy young couple living the high life in the Gilded Age. Bella is increasingly discontent with their life, however, and is constantly chasing other men and other excitement. She leaves Edward for a time for Jacob, and they travel Europe together. But when she finds out Edward has died and become a vampire, she is racked with guilt over her decision to leave and throws herself into the Seine. Jacob then disowns the high life and becomes an expat trying to write stories to pass down the lessons of how the American Dream can destroy people.
DH Lawrence
Bella married Edward but because his bottom half was ripped off in a fight with his brother, he cannot have children, and so keeps Bella human, and feeds off her blood as they share her life together.
This slow draining of Bella’s blood is killing her so she hires a
Nurse from the village for Edward to feed off. But now more than ever Bella finds no meaning or pleasure in her life, no longer physically tied to Edward in any way, bored by his whinging that he loves her, and his inability to sufficiently accompany her on her stumbling walks in the woods that surround their home.
One day she meets Jacob the gamekeeper, who rapes her in a chicken coop, but she doesn’t care because she’s bored. Having recently decided that she needs a baby to make her happy, she is delighted when she find out she is pregnant. Jacob, being a real man, doesn’t care; he already has a child by another woman, neither of whom he had any relationship with.
Edward is unfussed by Bella’s pregnancy, so long as she remains his possession. Bella wants to live with Jacob and the baby. Jacob, deciding that the only reason to live with anyone is for regular intercourse, agrees to this plan. But because of the archaic and controlling societal traditions, Jacob has to live on a farm for a bit while Bella deals with chizzy Edward, who degenerates, goes mad, and sucks the nurse dry.
Ends with a letter from Jacob, out hero, to happy mother Bella, about how keen he is to get on with the intercourse.
Alan Moore (much earlier in his career): Jacob “WW” (for Werewolf) Dobbs and Edward Ernest Cullen, generally just known by his last name, are best buds and juvenile delinquents whose escapades include grand theft auto, atomic weapons, littering, and planetary destruction. Bella is a friend of theirs who initially does not know about all the trouble they get into, but once she finds out, reinvents herself as even more of a violent sociopath than the boys, in order to fit in and keep hanging out with them.
Choderlos de Laclos: Eduard, marquis de Merteuil, is an aging rake; Iago, vicomte de Valmont, is his protege and ex-lover. The entire story is told in a series of letters between those two, Bella the orphaned ingenue who has been sent to live with Eduard, and one of Bella’s friends from her old school. Eduard advises Iago on seducing Bella in between the two of them trying to one-up each other from bored depravity; eventually Bella’s reputation is ruined and no one has found anything like true happiness.
Tolkien: Edward embarks on an epic quest to seize back land from the Werewolves. A huge battle commences. Edward’s relationship with Bella is relegated to the appendix.
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Sylvia Plath: Bella doesn’t know what she is doing in Forks. She meets Jacob on the way to a party, but he is more interested in her friend. She continually ruminates on Edward, whom she has known for years and has thought about marrying, but has decided finally that he is a hypocrite. Bella returns home and spirals into depression, ruminating on her role as an intelligent woman in 1950s New England. She later attempts suicide and enters a mental health facility. Edward visits her there and he proposes. She laughs in his face.
Thoreau:
Because Edward is fed up with the routine of everyday life, he lives in the woods and isolates himself from human society. There, he contemplates the thoughtlessness of romance as a symbol for everyday life through a character by the name of Bella (who may or may not be a myth). In the woods, he meets a wolf whom he personifies as a symbol of thoughtless male sexuality and names him Jacob. He wrestles with his inner Jacob and ultimately rejects it in favor of deliberate romance. When Edward leaves the woods, he decides to never marry.
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Charlotte Brontë:
Bella is introduced to Jacob by her dad, Charlie, who secretly likes Jacob more than he does his own child. Jacob and Bella become best friends and fall deeply in love, but she is distracted by the appearence of Edward, a pretty, well-mannered but deeply boring individual who the reader has no interest in at all. Jacob and Edward meet on several occasions and every time Edward patronises Jacob until Jacob flies into a rage. Bella spends whole chapters whining about how she loves both of them but Jacob isn’t good enough for her. Everyone spends a lot of time wandering the forests near to Forks (which represents the confusing and wild nature of the feelings of everyone involved) lamenting their woes. Eventually Jacob kidnaps Bella and Edward’s daughter, Renesme and holds her hostage, and Edward feels unable to do anything because he feels guilty for how lonely Jacob feels.
Oh no wait, that’s what actually happened…
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If Greg Keyes wrote Twilight…
Edward isn’t quite trusted by the incredibly clever and adept Bella who ends up having shallow sex with Jacob then CRAZY SHIT HAPPENS and the former two decide to take it slow after an epic, tear-filled climax in the middle of Oblivion.
Author of Gilgamesh:
Edward is a king who enjoys taking women’s viginity on the night of their honeymoon. People decide this isn’t for the best and sends the beast-man Jacob to beat Edward. Bella teaches Jacob to be civilized by having lots of sex with him. Edward and Jacob become best friends and go around killing monsters. When Edward refuses to have sex with Bella, she plots to have him killed by her bull. But Edward and Jacob kill it. In revenge Bella kills Jacob, and Edward grieves at his body until he starts rotting, at which point he searches for immortality, loses it, and becomes a good king, ignoring Bella completely.
Gaston Leroux (author of The Phantom of the Opera): Due to his unnatural sparkling, Edward is a social outcast who lives in hiding in the basement of the high school and wears a mask to hide the sparkles. He falls in love with Bella and stalks her as she goes about her school day. Finally, he kidnaps her, and tells her that she has to marry him, or he will blow up the school building and kill everyone inside. She takes pity on him and agrees to marry him, sparkles and all. Edward is so touched that he lets her go so she can be happy.
Bella’s childhood sweetheart, Jacob, tried to rescue her, but proved pretty useless.
Lemony Snicket:
Snicket recounts the tragic, true story of the life of three orphans whose parent were killed when their house is burned down by an evil cabal of vampires and werewolves called the VFD. Bella, the eldest, is a girl who loves to write. Jacob, the middle child, is a gifted boy with a knack for inventing(usually devices to hide his lycanthropy.). Edward, the baby, has extremely sharp teeth, and a taste for human blood. His siblings call him Sunny because of his unusually sparkly skin. Instead of four books, there are thirteen, in which the intrepid trio continually outwit their nasty uncle, Count Cullen, as he repeatedly tries to get their fortune. The books are extremely depressing, because the author repeatedly goes on about how the reader could be reading something better than this drivel. The series ends with all three stuck on deserted island, which happens to include an apple tree with apples that taste like horseradish. No one knows if they ever leave the island or not.
(Hey, I know he’s not as famous as those above, but I think the result would be hilarious!)
Christopher Paolini:
Edward is a sparkly young farmboy who finds a dragon’s egg while out hunting one day. He names the dragon Saphira, and hides her from his family. (He also never mentions his vampirism). Fast forward like fifteen chapters, and we find Edward rescuing a lovely elf named Bella, from the clutches of an evil shade name Jacob, who can become a wolf. The rest of the book is mostly Edward Saphira, and Bella running around trying to stop evil king Cullen.
Machado de Assis.
Told fom the point of view of Edward who keeps looking for proof that Bella slept with Jacob, never to find out.
Thomas Hardy: Firstly, Bella’s clumsiness is a plot device, as she accidentally burns down her house, and so is exiled to Forks. It is clear from the constant rain that her life here will be ill-fated. In Forks she meets Jacob, who pretends to be related to her, in order to seduce and then rape her. She later falls in love with the supposedly wonderful Edward Cullen. However when he discovers Bella’s past he cannot be reconciled to it, even though he’s a vampire, and so runs off to Italy to live with the Volturi. Bella is left at the mercy of the werewolves, including the lascivious Jacob. Alice foresees Bella’s death and tries to warn Edward, but the message is delayed by the Volturi. Edward returns to Forks too late- Jacob pretended to imprint on Bella and then turned her into a werewolf. When Bella sees Edward again she is so distraught that she kills Jacob with a silver bullet. After a brief moment of happiness, Bella accepts her punishment and is torn to shreds by the pack, while Edward stands by and watches.
Ezra Pound
Bella. Edward. Jacob.
Death is the gift of life.
Milorad Pavic:
Bella goes daily to a coffee shop, as she likes to see strangers eat. Then, she starts having a dream that doesn’t belong to her: a cherry tree in the middle of a rye field, where a boy is crying red honey.
Sixteen days later, on October, Bella meets Edward in the coffee shop, and he tells her she’s been dreaming his dream, because she’s death. Bella then realizes she can’t really be death, as in her masculine-time, she’s been reading a book about a werewolf named Jacob who’s hunting down Edward to kill him.
Jacob wakes up in a room where the ceiling is a cloudy sky and is raining inside, and writes in the blog of Lizzie Stark about the dream he just had about a girl named Bella.
RR Martin:
– Bella falls in love with Jacob who has Edward gets beheaded at the end of the first book and keeps her captive.
Anne Rice:
– Edward’s sire tells him to stop whining, then an end of the world first vampire meta-plot turns up and the humans become irrelevant.
Matthew Reilly:
Edward is an enigmatic Marine sent to investigate a mysterious alien spaceship buried hundreds of metres below the Antarctic ice cap. Bella is the hot soldier who is secretly in love with Edward but is scared of being hurt by a man due to a previous bad relationship, and actually doesn’t have a lot of dialogue or personality. Jacob is actually another female soldier who is 6 foot tall and butch. The Volturi attack Edward’s team in order to capture the alien spaceship first. Lots of stuff gets blown up, people get shot, stuff gets blown up, technical diagrams and maps of the area intersperse the action-packed pages, stuff gets blown up. Edward conducts a variety of battles in a hovercraft, diving bell, platforms, etc in which he is always outnumbered and outgunned, but due to his reflexes and ingenuity manages to turn the tables on the Volturi and other attackers. Jacob’s leg gets bitten off by a killer whale. Bella doesn’t do much, gets wounded, Edward rescues her and a random little girl, discovers the spaceship is actual an American plane from the Cold War powered by leaky nuclear technology. They escape in the plane, land on the Fork’s Police Aircraft Carrier, whereby Charlie tries to kill them, but Edward outwits them but destroying the coveted plane and forcing Fork’s High School to witness that he is alive, despite Charlie issuing a death certificate. Jacob gets found several weeks later on an iceberg, gets a metal leg, and never quite gets killed in subsequent books. Edward never takes off his reflective anti-flash sunglasses.
Joe Orton: Bella and Jacob rob a bank and try hidding the money in Charlie’s coffin. There is not enough room in the coffin for both so Charlie is taken out of the coffin and his cloths are removed and he is rolled in a sheet. Edward has had 11 rich wives who have died unnatural deaths and is trying to convince Bella to marry him. Billy thinks they are all lying and investigates them. Billy agrees to let Bella, Jacob, and Edward go if they give him money. Bella and Edward get married and wont let Jacob live with them because they need to keep up appearences. Billy arrests Mike for no reason.
Charlotte Perkins: Bella marries Edward, has Renesme and then they go to a cottage. Bella locks herself in her room and thinks that there is a person in the wall paper. Little does she know it is just Edward using his vampire powers to make her look insane and send her at an asylm
F. Scott Fitzgerald:
Jacob amasses a fortune in order to win the love of Bella, but is unable to truly break into aristocratic vampire society. Bella’s characterization is essentially unchanged.
Anton Chekhov:
Edward and Bella are an unhappy bourgeois couple trapped in affluenza and bored of their existences. Bella has a brief but passionate affair with Jacob, a travelling artist, but they are unwilling to express their feelings and she returns to her dreary life with her husband while he becomes a landowner in the provincial town of K—.
William Golding:
Trapped on a jungle island, the tenuous social structure Edward and Jacob establish quickly degenerates as Jacob is overcome by his lust for Bella. He hunts down a boar, rapes Bella, and attempts to murder Edward. At the end they’re rescued by a passing boat, who reveal to them only a week has passed.
Louis L’Amour
Edward Cullen was just passing through the town of Forks, but he gets caught up in a land war between the cattle owners, led by Jacob Black, and the farmers led by Charlie Swan. Jacob offers him a job working for him, but after one look at Charlie’s beautiful daughter, Bella, Edward decides to use his almost supernatural gunfighting skills to help the farmers. But Jacob has also had his eye on Bella and it’s not long before the beast inside him lashes out.
Another Stieg Larsson:
Bella is socially maladapted and a bit ‘awkward’. She does however posses amazing hacker skills, which lead Edward – al well-known vampire- to asks her for her help with a mission he is on. Although he is almost 90 years older than her, they sleep together a couple of times. When the mission is completed, Edward leaves Bella for another woman. Bella, heartbroken, flees to Grenada, where she has a fling with Jacob, a werewolf boy almost ten times her junior.. When she returns to Sweden, she instantly forgets all about him. In Sweden she is falsely accuted of committing a murder, but Edward helps her prove her innocence. They realize that they are to different and not made for each other after all, but become good friend instead. Edward marries a vampire girl his own age, and Bella falls in love with a girl in her kickbox ing class.
Leo Tolstoy
Bella initially rejects Edward for Jacob. Edward is fulfilled and rejuvenated by farming with oppressed peasants for 300 pages, before finally impregnating Bella and destroying her reputation. Right before Bella is about to throw herself under a train, the reader does instead.
Iain M Banks – Biella is a Culture agent, on a mission to stop yet another degenerate civilisation from oppressing it’s citizens. She travels on the warship ‘Ill Met By Moonlight’, whose avatar is sparkly and named Edweerd. Edweerd has sex with Biella on the long journey to the Empire of Forks. When they arrive Special Circumstances agent Biella must persuade Jac dem Oblack into acting in such a way that the manipulations of ‘Ill Met By Moonlight’, (which is the most intelligent being in this unCultured sector of the galaxy) to bring down the empire cannot be traced back to the Culture.
SimonB: I consider my options carefully and decide to write something substantial instead.
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Anias Nin:
Bella is a timid girl who has yet to realize her full sexuality. She meets Edward, and it “ignites her inner core..her molten sex creeping from her like a slow volcanic river”. Edward’s “turgid member, pulsing with the blood of hundreds of years” presses tightly to her.
They eventually have Victorian-worded sex, then she with Jacob..then all together…then they go to an opium den and get totally trashed.
oh..btw..this thread is full of WIN!!! So many creative contributors…every time I think I have an author..I search and see someone did it already perfectly!!
Joe Haldeman: Highly educated with a Master’s degree in engineering, Edward has been drafted into the United Nations Expeditionary Force and sent to Sedna for low-gravity and hostile environment training. Personal resolve and high adaptability have allowed him to survive the 34.2% mortality rate, but the next leg of his journey will send him to the Alpha Centauri B system, where contact was made with hostile extraterrestrials, simply known as the “Lupines,” due to their similar to the Earth-based wolves. Traveling at 80% of the speed of light will cause immense time dilation, and by the time he returns to Earth, he will have been gone a generation. But another wayward soul, Bella, has also been drafted into his squad, where a chance encounter turns into a truly long-distance relationship, separated by space and time, amidst the horrors of interstellar warfare…
Anthony Bourdain
Edward Cullen is an inspired young chef in New York City, accompanied by his soux chef and partner in crime, Jacob Black. Together, they drink, fuck and cook their way through the ranks of new york’s seedy underground. In the final chapter, they impress a particularly dangerous italian mob boss with a rare dish, a swan basted with lemon and garlic butter, which they affectionately name “Bella Swan”.
Helen Fielding –
Bella is slightly overweight and spend too much time drinking and smoking with her mates. Enter Edward who is all class but she can’t be sure if he really likes her or not. Instead she distracts herself with Hugh Gra….. Jacob who is a cad but very charming nevertheless.
Flash forward to Bella being embarrassed by her underwear and Edward and Jacob slapping each other in the street while Bella and her mates piss up and smoke egging them on.
Bella ends up with Edward but resents his perfect family and voices her opinion due to having some guts and being a real woman.